When I take a look around the office, I figure 95% of my fellow cubemates received some type of university education. Of that 95%, probably 10%-15% received a post-graduate degree whether it be an MBA, Masters, or PhD. Yet, when I walk into the men’s restroom, sometimes I just have to wonder who the heck I’m actually sharing the restroom with.

Now, I could just keep quiet and let my feelings subside. Yet I like to live a life that is as worry and stress-free as I can make it, so for that reason alone, I must vent. So, here’s my much needed office space bathroom rant!

To the guy who keeps leaving printouts of Right Wing articles for all to read:

I’m glad to see you’re passionate about what you believe in. But trust me buddy, there’s not much I can do for you while sitting on the john. If you truly want me to read something, leave me a printout of the latest college hoop news.

To the guy who sits in the neighboring stall when there’s a completely empty one two stalls away:

My bathroom breaks are precious to me, it’s the only time I actually have to myself away from my cubicle and cubemates. I love my few moments of peace and solitude, so please don’t move in next door unless that’s the only stall left unoccupied. And if you do use the stall next to me, just one courtesy flush would make things so much better.

To the guy who doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom:

I understand that you may be skilled enough to not dirty your hands while using the restroom. Yet I’m the kind of person that would ask to have MythBusters prove your cleanliness before I actually take your word for it. Please, for mine and everyone’s sake, just take a second to thoroughly lather each hand and rinse them under running water. It could help you from catching a cold, and the soap really isn’t that bad.

To the guy who just left the stall looking like a murder scene:

I’m concerned for your health, and thus would recommend eating more foods with soluble fiber. You may also want to lay off the chili beans.

To the cleaning lady who always knocks on the door when I’m in the bathroom:

I’m not sure how you manage to find me every time. And although I shout “occupied” when you knock, it sometimes doesn’t really stop you from coming in and setting up shop. I understand it’s your job, and you do leave the bathroom spotless. Yet can you and I just sit down one day and I’ll create an Excel spreadsheet and we can allocate time slots so my few moments of peace aren’t startled by a a sudden knocking? It would be such a win-win situation.

Sincerely,
The Closet Entrepreneur

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